Have you ever wondered how much of an influence our past lives have on our current lives? Are some of our believes truly ours? It’s an interesting thing to think about, regardless of you believing in past lives or not.

A few years ago, I had the strangest dream, a dream of a woman with no iris, she was middle aged, she seemed like a healer, a shaman, now when I think about it, it really felt like she was a shaman. She came to me in my sleep to help me, she held wooden sticks and pressed them on the sides of my body, she chanted something I couldn’t understand at all and some point she just instructed me to scream. And I couldn’t. I got so scared when I couldn’t scream, because I thought she was some sort of a demon who came to hurt me, so I told her to go away upon waking up. It wasn’t the first time that I had such a vivid dream and I couldn’t scream. I think that last week I had one, but I can’t remember it. Until this weekend I had no idea who that lady was until it finally clicked.

It was me. That lady was me, me from the past, me from the future or an alternate universe. I have had an immense struggle in finding my own path, it’s like someone had just dropped me out of some dark, bottomless barrel and into this world, this life. I felt so lost most of my life, trying to fit into places I cannot possibly belong, trying to squeeze myself in order to be accepted, loved and liked. I went out in the world loving people, giving them all I got, accepting them just to make sure that others don’t feel what I felt. But I can’t save everyone. And more importantly, I can’t save anyone who doesn’t want to be saved.

And after all that search mission I think it’s clear that even my past self wants me to see myself for who I really am. Someone who didn’t come here just to do ordinary jobs, hang out in environments that were eating me away, someone who didn’t come here to be there for everyone but never for myself. I came here to do different things, to feel this calling after losing my compass.

Many, many things clicked in my head when the above was uncovered. My awakening got initiated in 2020, it was a baptism by fire. My entire life was burning and all I could do was watch. 6 years later, things are collapsing but not burning. My life is not a dumpster fire anymore and it certainly doesn’t feel like that. It feels like a Death card from tarot. It’s a peaceful ending to an era that bothered me to my bone. An era of facing so many difficulties, of being so lost that I doubted my existence. Now it makes sense why I had to leave flying, why I had to go back to my country, because all the lessons and digging and everything would not make sense anywhere else. For years I couldn’t understand why on Earth things had to be this way, I was beating myself for leaving, I was regretting, I was questioning myself, until it finally clicked.

It needed to happen in this exact way, otherwise it would have been worse. Or it wouldn’t have happened at all. Either way, everything is the way it needs to be. And sometimes, you are allowed to be selfish and put yourself first. Especially, when you have a history of people pleasing tendencies. You are allowed to make a life you love and enjoy in.

We often get lost in making everyone happy that we forget to ask ourselves are we happy, is our daily life brining us happiness and peace or not? If yes, then great, keep up the good work. If not, then you need to do something about it.

And to wrap it up, maybe some food for thought – what if our patterns and ways of operating are not only ours? What if we brought it from the past life? What if we inherited it?