I noticed one thing as a general theme for this year: ripping apart. Be it old programs, be it things that no longer align, there is a common theme – cutting it. I mean, I didn’t have high expectations for this year, but I also didn’t think I would reach the bottom of Mariana Trench again. But what makes us sink and sink fast?

Is life mostly a combination of high and lows or mostly one or the other? How is it possible to drop from the heights to the lowest point in a span of months? And what causes this? I believe that the usual happens, you wake up each day, having the same routine over and over, doing the job you don’t enjoy, dreading each day at work while simultaneously working on yourself, your hobbies, trying to be everywhere at once, trying to make your dreams come true and then the thing happens. You stretch yourself between where you are and where you want to be and fall into your own trap. I think this is where we rip apart. Because the separation is so grand, you don’t feel it fully until it smacks you in the face. You are preparing yourself for a take-off but then you stall. If you are familiar with stalling in aviation, it’s a term where if you miss the AoA (Angle of Attack) during take-off you start to stall, your take-off speed was insufficient and then you fall. Ugh, I miss studying aviation. You see that’s what happened to me. I stalled, fell and crashed. And now I’m burning.

Let me zoom into this. As I was working on myself through various ways, ways I always felt were within me, I woke up my inner power, recognized myself, gathered up my courage to leave a job that is slowly killing me, I was so ready to make that final step to take-off, my throttle was ready, pre-flight checks were done, I was speeding up the runway, I took off… and stalled. I let my own fears, programs and other people’s projections get in the way and it just broke me down. Everything I did in my life so far, I did it with deep cuts. Once I cut something or someone out of my life, I know it’s over. It’s done. And I don’t look back unless I didn’t close the door fully. So, what I’m facing right now is the consequence of my own fear and lack of faith. I let my fears take over instead of my trust, hope and courage.

What really strikes me is that I thought I will never feel this way again. I never thought I would have to face apathy and depression again after the hell I went through. I thought that for some time we parted our ways. Unfortunately, I was wrong. And all due to my own lack of faith. I actually betrayed myself and that’s exactly what hurts now. Because if you betray your family by doing what you think is right, then it wasn’t really a betrayal, cause eventually things align and they get over it. But if you betray yourself, that’s a hard pill to swallow. I always have the worst time with my own head, but I’m quick to help and support others. And that’s how I prefer it. Also, it gives me a chance to protect others from my own pain.

This is a very, very dark time for my inner world again and it usually happens in summer for me because summer is not my element. I get even more introverted and retract in my shell more than I do during cold months. Never thought I’d get dark, heavy thoughts again. Not of death, because death isn’t enough. But of disappearance. Of non-existence. Moreover, of never existing. Existential crisis is one hell of a disease, and it hits you anytime it wants. It doesn’t ask questions; it just comes and brings friends: apathy and depression. They are not mean, but they are very, very heavy and dreadful. If I could go back, all the way back to the day I chose to reincarnate, I wouldn’t have done it. State of the world and my inability to help and make things better, makes everything even more difficult for me these days. Also, masking how I truly feel is exhausting. Even more exhausting than feeling heavy.

These three friends I mentioned also took the joy from the things that used to bring me happiness- music, learning, dreaming. I’m a shell of a person again. And I don’t think I have any energy left in me to fight right now. I came here not knowing what to write about, but my darkness wanted to be heard. Oh, how I wish I was a lighter person, joyful and full of light and easy energy. How I wish I was ruled by Venus, Jupiter or Mercury. Instead, Universe sent me over here to be a child of the most intense couple – Pluto and Saturn. Like, why make things easier when it can be extra, extra difficult?

The best thing I can do right now is dissociate while watching Friends for the 20th time. And play with my cat. The only 2 things that make me feel slightly better.

I did promise a visit to Hades, didn’t I? Well, we are already there. Hellcome. I heard you can’t pay in cash to Charon anymore. Now you need an app with a QR code.