Sometimes I wonder how we are really processing pain and are we aware of it. Most of us learned to suppress it, to hide it, and just store it for later to deal with it when the time comes. The time never comes and the pain grows and becomes infected, and it starts eating us away. What are we doing wrong?

I truly envy people who process their emotions and pain so fast that you barely understood what the hell happened. You know these people with very straightforward nature, very direct, and they won’t let things cut them deep. Yeah, I wish I was like that. Unfortunately, I belong to the more complex group of humans where we just process pain differently. We move it aside, save it for later, because allowing it would make us look weak or sometimes, we just need a longer time to process. Which could be a great thing, until it’s 6 years later and you remember what you could have said during the argument. I truly wish I actually process my pain instead of sweeping it under a rug and letting it bite me with much greater force.

I’m sure this can be worked on, although we cannot change our nature. Some people are quick to react, others are not. Sometimes, writing helps. And a lot. I just wish there could be a club for the people who are not coping so well. Yes, you could eat healthy, workout and do everything right, but our bodies keep the score. I think that stress, fear and bottled-up emotions are the greatest source of all the illnesses we have nowadays. You can’t cook pasta for too long, otherwise it falls apart. Same goes for humans and their bodies. You can’t let your pain sit for too long, otherwise it will make you sick. And it usually does.

Different people will tell you that there are different methods in coping with pain. Some will say therapy, some will say sports, but what really works for you is only known to you. For me it’s trying to find what hurts. I trace it down or at least try to. I never thought I would say it again, but I feel like depression has been creeping up on me again because I can feel the void opening up. One of the first signs I notice: being overly critical and negative, sudden thoughts about death as a relief and strangely, starting to ignore the chores. Which is something that rarely happens because I love order. If the void rips open again, there will be nothing left for me to do but face it, because if I can feel the void, that means that I have betrayed myself somewhere along the way.

I guess some of us are born with depression attached to us, because it has been visiting me more than I’d like to admit.

I can’t promise that my next post will be cheerful and lovely, but I will try to trace my pain at least. Summer is the season where I like to revisit the Hermit mode. Fall and winter are my seasons, exactly like my Scorpio Ascendant and Capricorn stelium. Cold weather is when I come alive.