If you are not like most people and summers are usually a bit introspective for you, this is a place for us to discuss our internal processes. It’s beyond me why people automatically assume that everyone enjoys summer, socializing and going to the beach. I don’t. And I know there are a few people out there who share the same energy.

How can I like summer when I come alive in autumn? How can I love the heat when my entire being is made for the gloomy weather and the mountains? I was born in the middle of the winter with heavy Capricorn placements and a Scorpio Rising with Pluto on my Ascendant. What makes people think that I even remotely like summertime? I was made for cold weather, rain and gloomy, foggy days. Half of my natal chart is shared with goth god himself Edgar Allan Poe and you’d think beach is where I thrive? Such a bold assumption.

I’m the opposite of everything people consider a norm. I was born out of spite; I came here to show you the flipside of a coin. To shake your world with my endless point of views and to prove you and myself that not everything has just one side. And it’s been a long road for me. Endless nights and days of questioning, wondering, digging, looking for answers and never actually finding the right answer. When I’m not looking for them, they come. I am spending years and years of my life trying to fill the void in my soul and I can’t seem to find my way out of the labyrinth to find that one thing that could fill the void. And mind you, the void is not a superficial one. Those ones people fill with avoidance usually. Mine is unfortunately different. It’s gaping and eating me alive, because I can’t find a door to it.

Imagine spending so much time trying to find an answer to finally solve it and it’s never there. I keep walking in the dark looking for it, but I can’t seem to catch it. You’d think I don’t know what the void is about, but I do. It’s about my purpose. I am in my early 30s, and I still haven’t found it. And I know, some people are late bloomers, some things are delayed, they take time and especially if you have Saturn dominant placements AND you have to trust the timing of your life which is also exhausting, but there is nothing you can do except dig deep, do the work and hope for the best.

I wish I was more optimistic about my life, but unfortunately as I grow older, I feel like I’m a walking impending doom more and more each day, and no matter how much I try to reduce the heaviness, I just can’t. I guess some of us carry the heavy energy, so that others can carry a light one, but dammit why can’t we feel slightly better too? I’m pretty sure I will never grow out of this energy. I feel like in the last five years I have been in a constant fight or flight mode that I no longer know how not to be in it. I don’t know if I will ever recover and have that light in my eyes. There are instances where I feel good and happy, but it doesn’t come so often, and it certainly doesn’t become a constant. And I know other people have difficulties too, some are horrible, some are not. And I’m aware that I’m privileged to be writing about this, instead of struggling for real, but I’d like to think that each and every one of us are in their own wars. It only depends on the cards given to us.

Ever since my Saturn return, I feel like nothing goes right. I changed, I can see it, but everything is just stagnating, I feel like I’m not moving forward even if I am. It’s just one big illusion. It’s been so long since I have been actually excited for my life chapters because if I look back, all I can see is just one big, long path of learning and unlearning which I think is crucial in life, but still things could always be better and if not better, then certainly lighter, with more positivie moments.

So, this is what my summers are about. Some people deep dive into the sea, I deep dive in my psyche. But oh, well. Maybe one day things will be better?