Have you ever experienced an internal split? Not literally, but like your old self is being ripped apart from your new self. Maybe it’s a disorder or just healing deeper. I guess, one day we will find out, but the truth is, being in tune with yourself is one hell of a ride.

Speaking of a ride, have you noticed how people actively avoid facing themselves? It’s very obvious to me. And this does not make me better than others, just more aware of myself and my surroundings hence the observation. It’s necessary to call myself out when I feel like I’m being too arrogant about something. We are all just living our perspectives and hearing different ones is what makes this world go around. But again, we are the world and the world is the reflection of us and our internal world. It looks like a mess, not even a mess, it’s a pure dystopian horror, fully blown in our faces. But what I also feel deeply is that the world is changing, the order is changing and we are yet to see what will unfold. Cause all these sclerotic maniacs with highly probable ED (not the eating disorder but the Erectile Disfunction) need to go. Like, now!

To circle back to inner work, I think it’s the most valuable thing we can do. The deeper you go, the more you uncover about yourself and other people. It becomes easier to recognize your own setbacks and pain without projecting it on other people. All I know is that the beginning of my inner work started with internal war where I died multiple times but still managed to resurrect. And sometimes I ask myself how on Earth did I pull myself out of there? I’m talking about very deep depression and even very active thoughts about death and passing in my sleep. I didn’t know what happened to me, I was a shell of a person I once was. I was a houseplant, an air, I wanted to melt into the ground and just disappear. I was being ripped apart, and it lasted for ages, decades even (in my head). My purpose was lost, I had no navigation system, it’s like someone flipped the switch in pitch dark and it drifted away whenever I tried to reach it.

My loved ones suggested therapy, they tried their best to understand my internal horrors, but I had no will to face anything but to just try and survive the day, the month, the year. Nothing brought me joy, nothing made me happy, I switched to autopilot and I just did repetitive things in order to survive. I didn’t want to survive, but I felt like my purpose has to be somewhere and if this is the end, then bring it on. I also couldn’t harm myself; I wanted an easy way out. Instead of asking for health and abundance, I begged the Universe to take me in my sleep. My days were just passing with me putting a mask on and telling everyone I’m fine, but nobody truly knew how it felt when you melt inside. My entire internal system collapsed and I was a shell. Until one day things started to build again, piece by piece my internal world was being built again. Those were very slow steps, I started looking forward to concerts I will attend, I adopted a cat, I started learning astrology and now tarot.

Piece by piece my internal world is slowly becoming. I don’t have anything specific I want to become except happy and to do the things that make me happy like writing, reading, traveling, spending time with my friends and family and my cat as much as possible; no matter where I will be, feeling free, feeling at peace within myself and in my surroundings, seeing my favourite bands live, tattoos, astrology, tarot, sharing wonderful insights with wonderful girls. I think all these are fundamental in order to build your own idea of success.

All this to say, working on yourself is scary, it’s hard, very, very hard, not everyone can handle it and face all the fears and pain and tears. Hell, I felt like the picture of Dorian Gray once it got discovered, full of horrors. Also, nobody prepares you for so many tears, I didn’t know where they are coming from anymore. Was it worth it? Yes, it was. What I’m experiencing now is probably some sort of lighter layer peeling. A lighter split. But still, I feel it. And most of the times I need to rationalize it in order to understand it, but still, I am aware of my internal processes. I wish other people are as well. To an observant eye, it’s very noticeable when people skip this very important step, so trying to fill the internal void turns into distraction Olympics be it drugs, scrolling, gym obsession, sleeping with other people, alcohol, going out excessively, attention seeking in any way, unnecessary surgeries… you name it. When all it takes is one big look inside. That look might be devastating but it also brings up much more than just ugly stuff.

If you are facing any difficulties right now, or if you ever did, nobody would understand you better than someone who already went through it. I have a theory that therapy is necessary but, in my case, I feared that it would put me in a labelled box, so I found other ways to truly understand myself on every level. At the end of the day, you need to find what works for you. But, as someone who came out to this side of the tunnel, I can promise you one thing; life is worth living even after you experience the unforgiving internal war. Mind you, we are talking about existential crisis, but if my words will ever help anyone in this wide world, then that will make this world lighter and would give me a sense of purpose.