These days there is a thought I can single out and it’s about coming back to yourself. I came across few jokes on social media how our 20’s were “a phase” while in our 30’s we are coming back to our true form. And I can confirm this.

I grew up listening to “heavy music” back then when I was 15, I was obsessed with Incubus, Three Days Grace, Shinedown, BFMV, Bring Me The Horizon, The Offspring, Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, you name it. I alternated between all sorts of genre and to be honest, it made me who I am today. During my 20’s I transitioned to a bit of R’n’B, HipHop but during the end of 20’s I returned to my original self. People like to dismiss music genres easily and write it off as something so common. Music is everything but a regular thing. At least to me.

I believe that the music you listen to can shape up the way you are forming your critical thinking, the way you see the world and your stance on what is important in art. This is not about tastes, tastes cannot be and should not be discussed, because not everyone can like the same things I like, and they shouldn’t. But heavy music has been such a huge part of my life, and it brought me so much healing, a therapy could never. For example, Down in a hole brought me so much healing, it held my hand during some of my darkest days. Alice in Chains in general pulled me out of the black hole I spent so much time in. Of course, my love expanded to other, newer bands of my era such as Sleep Token (ST deserves a whole post about the magic they make) Bad Omens, The Plot in You, Architects etc. And I couldn’t be happier. In this music I feel seen, I feel heard and I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Thousands of us could be singing Damocles and all of us would feel seen and heard. Just like we see and hear ST. It’s like a collective shadow work we do while attending these concerts. And that’s why I decided to chase my teenage dream of seeing my favourite bands live. Being among my specie brought me so much recognition and a feeling of belonging I cannot find in my own country. Nobody called me out for wearing all black, nobody called me out for listening to these bands, nobody called me a pretender.

This is not to say that other people who love other genre cannot experience the same, I’m sure they do, art connects us all, music in general forms invisible bonds among people. But my background is different. Growing up in a small town, my interests placed me in a no man’s land. My friends were not sharing the same taste in music, and I could not make friends with people who kind of did share my taste. So, naturally I felt out of place, and I needed the outlet. So, I made a blog I wrote for so many years. I made friends online and some of them I even met in person, and we still remain in contact. My friends and family called me a poser, a pretender for faking that I dislike the popular music of my country, but in all honesty, I genuinely loved and enjoyed the music I was into. Because of the constant calling out for not dancing to popular music when I go out or when I attend a wedding, I felt bad, I felt sort of bullied but I didn’t want to give in, I could not surrender under their pressure but in some ways I tried to fit in, I tried to follow my friends and family even though I did not enjoy any of the activities. I tried to be there for them and fit in in that way, but I knew I was born to stand out. In everything. This manifests in different ways even now. I did it to myself, tried to be someone else, I let it tear me down and I’ll never be the same. This is the line that always hits the chord in my soul because it really defines what I did to myself on many occasions. Self-betrayal is really hard to get over. But that’s why healing is so important, so we can come back to our true selves, to touch our core, to be there for ourselves.

So, 30’s are about coming back to your interests, your true self. It’s about rediscovering yourself; it’s about holding yourself and bringing back the spark. Not going out chasing approval is so refreshing. You can call it a boring life, but I love the boring life. Boring is good. Boring is soft, fluffy and pleasant like my sleeping cat.