I often think about how everything seems to be advancing, every company is trying to stay up to the latest tech thing, how everything is just progressing forward and it seems like it never stops going forward, except for one thing, one most important thing – humans. We are changing everything around us, we are upgrading our homes, gadgets, looks, jobs, everything except our inner being.

I wonder what happened with accountability, with courage, with reflecting? We turned everything into a competition. We forgot about empathy, kindness and basic human connection. We forgot how being kind is free and how to understand each other, we forgot how to respect our differences, how to respect boundaries and most importantly how to set one, we forgot how to respect nature and animals, we lost our awareness on how short our lives are. We forgot how to human.

As a human (unfortunately I have to be one in this lifetime), it saddens me to see how we fail at supporting each other. How we can’t see the way out of our misery, so we project it onto others and end up hurting ourselves and others too. But you know what the good ol’ medicine is? Diving deep into yourself. Writing is, writing physically into a diary every damn time you feel like breaking. Unfortunately, not everyone gets to do this. Is it avoidance, is it fear of uncovering what lies beneath? I will never know. But what I do know, is that sometimes, Universe will serve you a big ass awakening and let me tell you how my journey started.

When our mass limbo started back in 2020, I travelled to Uganda, and I have visited an orphanage in Kampala. It was well-known among cabin crew, as we shared contacts and most important information when it comes to this place. When I went there, I was greeted by a nun who keeps thing running. She told me that most of the kids in the orphanage are either unwanted children, abandoned because their families can’t afford them, or in the best case they got lost. She then proceeds to take me to their backyard filled with little kids and all of them had similar age from 2 years old to 4 or 5. All of them came running to me and started shouting: “Mamma!”. My heart broke into million pieces. I played with them for hours and when the time for dinner came, I had to leave. Later on, I was sitting in the hotel room on the phone with my mother, she started crying after I told her the story and she told me: “Why do you have to do that to yourself? I know you want to help, but you can’t save everyone.” I couldn’t sleep until I cried my heart out. I got my period 15 days earlier. Mind you, I am very, very, VERY sensitive to the suffering of humans and all innocent beings, especially kids and animals. If something breaks me every day is when I see kids and animals suffering. So, this experience triggered something in me. Not that I was unaware of the world we live in before my trip to Uganda, it was just a full-blown spiritual awakening being triggered in that exact moment.

It made me realize how little my problems were, how I have no idea what real struggle is and how I just supress everything and I never let myself grieve. Because hey, my placements scream “What even are feelings?” I’m a big ass Capricorn stelium with Scorpio Asc and Pluto in the 1st house (yes, I’m an astro baby, but that’s for another post perhaps). How can I allow myself to feel, I should just clench my jaw and fist and move on. Yes, but no. Being human is about feeling things. Grieving ourselves first and then other things in our lives.

After that experience my digging began. My life changed. I resigned from a job I loved with all its bad and good sides, moved back home which seemed like a downgrade since I always wanted to leave my homeland, loved someone who couldn’t love me back, I started working in a very toxic environment, sitting for hours, drowning in numbers and new things. I watched my dreams burn in front of my eyes. I regretted everything at that point. I wanted my life back. And I cried a whole ass Pacific Ocean for years to come. At some point, all I ever did was cry. I had shed every single thing that hurt me over the years. All the breakups, betrayals and pain I swept under the carpet. I wrote at least 3 notebooks filled with pain and grief. Depression ate me alive. For days and days, I wished not to be here anymore. I would go to bed every night wishing that I don’t wake up the next day. Endless triggers, endless traumas just coming out drowning me. How I pulled myself out of there is beyond me. There were days I prayed to the Universe to pull me out. I was exhausted. I had no will to live. Then my grandfather died, and I shared a very strong bond with him. That hit me like a train. I hardly remember anything from that period. I have memory holes when it comes to my entire early life.

But, after all this darkness a light did come. Easier days came back. I started liking things I liked as a teenager again; I started enjoying things I enjoyed back then, it feels like you are coming home to yourself. You are less harsh towards yourself, you notice that little steps you do like not thinking or talking negatively about yourself, your body or your thoughts, start to impact you in a positive way. And most importantly, when people are unkind to you, you can see why immediately. You are aware that their pain doesn’t justify their behaviour but at least you know where they are coming from.

To wrap it up, digging really helps you in the end. Some people maybe get lucky, and their digging is not as painful as mine but to think that means I would be too kind and too naive when it comes to shadow work. It’s not an easy path, but it’s the one we all have to walk on in order to heal this world. In order to feel and be human again. So, this would be my encouragement to you to go down that road and face yourself, you will be grateful to yourself that you did that. It’s rewarding cause when you look yourself in the mirror you will like what you see. You will feel better, different and stronger.